ATLAS OF FEELINGS JUNE 10 - 13 MEMOIRS
It was shocking to hear about the Orlando shooting. Sunday was a day that I was away from internet or at least the news. I learned about the horrifying event several hours after it was published. I was in my small one room home in Stockholm, with three more persons. We had just finished our board game and I was counting the final points to determine the winner. Hearing the shooting news carried me away to a previous conversation I had with my closest friend (Zese) in Turkey.
After all that had happened in Turkey, the attacks, the suicide bombs, political repression and psychological repression etc., me and Zese talked about a specific type of fear; a fear of getting numb inside. A numbness that could lead us not to care about what's happening around us. After all, seriously who can carry out this much sorrow inside? I remember listening Açık Radyo, an independent radio broadcasting, after one of the biggest attacks in Turkey, the 2015 Ankara bombings that killed nearly 100 persons. In the program they had a guest psychologist and they were discussing what a trauma is and what it isn't. What to do and what not to do. I don't remember much about the possible approaches to a trauma but I can't forget the nervous laughter attack of one of the speakers had. He couldn't stop. He just simply couldn't. I was far away from Turkey, yet my heart was with everyone who had pain. I was listening to radio just to be next to someone. Someone who also feel helpless, upset, ashamed... But when he laughed (a nervous laughter but still a laugh), I was like "well hehe ok. I guess he will stop and continue talking very soon." But he didn't. Or, well, he couldn't. Then the famous thing happened; a contaminant laughter. I started to laugh also. A bit nervously but still. Then I recalled, "humour is the best tool against politics/traumas/oppressions/anything." If humour is one tool, so are the other simple feelings, feeling of joy, feeling of being alive, feeling loved. All are weapons against the secondary traumas we live.
Adding up the numbers back in my flat in Stockholm "Neither should we stop" I said whispering to Zese inside my head. "We should continue sharing our feelings. Not because we are ignorant about what had happened, but because we care too much. Laughters should spread so does the feelings. This is the only way we can stay strong to stand up against any kind of oppression; homophobia, islamophobia, racism, inequality...
The board game results were set. I was the winner. The sound of the nervous laughters, however, was all I had in me. So I said to myself "We should continue sharing".
Here is a journey of the feelings we had this weekend. It starts by feeling of being lost and ends with helplessness. We, however, predominately felt positive feelings by 82%. Check the journey (a map of the map) and the graph for our Atlas of Feelings.